This Is Us Season 4 Episode 16: New York, New York, New York
*SPOILERS*
Alright, everyone, we are back for this week’s episode of our favorite show. We have talked before about Randall’s experience as a parentified child, as well as Randall’s first time in therapy. Episode 16 starts to give us a glimpse of why Randall behaves in the ways he does. We, of course, see this in the last 4 minutes of the show, but nevertheless, it is there.
A large focus of the show this season has been on Rebecca’s diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment, which will lead to dementia. Randall’s relationship to death is complicated, and Rebecca’s diagnosis stirs this up for him. We hear Randall say he thinks about the day Jack died every single day. Not only does he think about it, he believes he could have done something about it.
We see this process quite often with young children. We also see this process quite often with trauma. There is a belief that the person could have done something to change the course of events and consequently feels guilty about not what unfolded. Randall has a fantasy of being able to convince his father not to run back into the home, which could have saved his life. It is better to feel in control, even if it causes more pain than feel out of control (for some people). In Randall’s case, it is easier to feel in control and guilty than to accept the fact that there was nothing he could have done.
Randall’s need for control manifests in his relationships with everyone. He feels he knows what is best for each person around him, and if he pushes his agenda hard enough, then it will all work out, in the end, no matter the cost. This, of course, also comes from Randall being very smart. Randall can have a hard time relating to people emotionally. He sees numbers, outcomes, and problems, and it is difficult for him to understand why someone would make a choice from a place of emotion and not logic. We hear Randall say in this episode that his mother ‘is just scared and does not know what is best for her.’ That is where my frustration comes in.
Rebecca is a grown woman. An adult. Your mother. To think you know what is best for her and that she could not possibly be able to make a decision for herself shows some of Randall’s narcissistic, paternalistic, and sexist unconscious beliefs. Randall has always had a close relationship with his mother, and everything he does, of course, comes from a place of love and concern. However, it can also be hurtful to the recipient of this kind of love and concern. Randall has a strong connection to feeling abandoned, so he works hard to keep the people he loves happy and proud of him.
Randall’s first experience of abandonment was being dropped at the fire station by his birth parents. This led to some manifestations of anxiety and perfectionism, but they were exacerbated by Jack’s death. Randall leaned into his need to care/control/do what is best for his family. When Jack died, Randall assumed the “man of the house” role. Immediately before and after Jack’s death, we saw Kevin begin to distance himself from his family. When Kevin left to go pursue his acting career in New York, this was the next big abandonment for Randall. Actually, going back a bit, when Kevin moved into the basement so that he did not share a room with Randall, that was a big moment for Randall as well. Randall put on a tough face, but he does love and care for Kevin, so each instance of Kevin pushing Randall away and making him feel like an outsider pushed the knife into the wounds Randall already had. I think Randall and Kevin’s relationship is so important and special to Randall because Kevin is one of the only people who has seen him and has helped him at his lowest. Whenever Randall has a breakdown, Kevin is there to help him through it. I think Randall is angry at Kevin for abandoning him, and he is jealous of Kevin for being able to move on and pursue his dreams ‘with no responsibility’ (in quotes because that is what Randall thinks).
Randall’s next big moment of abandonment was when his birth father William decided to stop his cancer treatments. Randall started to get hyper-focused on his work, and it led to a strain in his family. Eventually, William’s death pushes Randall into overdrive, wanting to care for people and make his life have “purpose,” which leads to his first big breakdown on the show.
Rebecca’s illness reminds Randall of her mortality and that he only has one parent left. Randall cannot effectively cope with the fact that his mother could die sooner than he thought, so he jumps in to try and fix/control the situation. Randall feels if he just pushed hard enough, he could convince his father not to go back into the house. Now, he feels if he can push his mother hard enough, she will go get treatment and get better. The ‘problem’ here being, Rebecca does not want treatment.
Rebecca’s choice to not get treatment for her cognitive impairment is difficult for Randall, and most people to understand. If you could do something to prolong your life or cure an illness, you would do it … right? In the mental health world, this question can constitute a value statement and was especially controversial when ideas of assisted suicide were in popular conversation. To date, Physician-assisted death/Death with Dignity/Right to Die is legal in 10 jurisdictions: California, Colorado, D.C., Hawaii, Montana, Maine, New Jersey, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington. These decisions can be made for those with terminal illnesses who would otherwise experience pain and suffering as a result of their illness. According to Randall, Rebecca would be choosing to die and therefore choosing to abandon him since there is an alternative option available.
This is a difficult subject and hard for most people to think about. I think this could be a good moment for Randall for really accept and embrace the vulnerability that he feels in this situation. It will be imperative to Randall’s development to admit he is scared and accept that he cannot control this situation, and that is okay. I desperately want Rebecca to remind Randall that he was a child when his father died, and he took on too much of a burden/responsibility in that. Hopefully, in this situation, he can have a corrective experience by trusting his mother to be responsible and make her own decisions while he openly receives support and nurturance from his family.
We will see what happens next week. 1 more episode until the finale friends!
Take Care.