Some of you may know I am a superfan of the NBC drama This Is Us. Overall, it has given us great stories, relatable characters, and mostly accurate portrayals of unfortunately common negative life experiences. If you are unfamiliar with this show (for whatever reasons that I will try not to judge you for), please take some time to look it up and maybe watch an episode or so. It is available on Hulu, which is where I watch the show. I would like center this post on the experience of one-third of the Big 3, Randall Pearson.
*Spoilers are definitely ahead, you have been warned.*
Randall Pearson is one-third of the unconventional triplet siblings from the Pearson family. Randall was adopted by Rebecca and Jack Pearson. They were due to have triplets; however, unfortunately, they lost one of the babies during delivery. Randall was dropped off at a fire station by his biological parent and was born on the same day as the Big 3. There was a dramatic and moving conversation that happened between Jack and their doctor and they ended up taking Randall home with them to have the triplets they were meant to have. The show jumps between timelines of the Big 3 as children, teenagers, college students, and currently adults about to hit 40 years of age. The show tells us about this family, their trials and tribulations, how they have come to be who they are today.
What this show really wants you to know is: RANDALL HAS ANXIETY
And don’t you forget it.
The origin of his anxiety...ask 10 mental health professionals and you will get 10 different answers (bonus points to who knows where that quote is from). There’s a thought among some people about adoption and anxiety. There’s tons of thought about trauma and anxiety. What we are beginning to see in season 4 (and what I have complained about since the beginning) is the family system in which Randall existed/exists and what role Randall played as a child and continues to play now.
Randall has always been the “easy child,” as Jack said (to his face! I’ll get back to this) and he has always been able to keep it together. Randall has been the child who gets good grades, goes to good schools, does not have any huge meltdowns or typical teenage issues. He did not cry much as a baby and has generally been a second anchor to his family behind Jack. Some would say that some adopted children may feel a need to ‘pull their weight’ in a family or do as much as they can to not cause any problems. These behaviors can stem from anxiety and/or guilt about being brought into a family and possible fear of being given back. The possibility of being a burden to the family can be fearful and may drive the adopted child’s behaviors.
All of this to say that is the role Randall plays in his family’s system and they reinforce this role because, honestly, it is convenient for them. What is ignored is the fact that Randall is not fine. He has had crippling anxiety since he was a young child and because he expresses his anxiety in societally accepted and celebrated ways (90% of the time), it goes unaddressed until he reaches his breaking point and ends up on the floor in the bathroom or his office or his dorm room or the hospital needing professional help that he is unwilling to receive (yes, I feel some kind of way about this).
When Jack died, Randall assumed the “man of the house” position. He made sure his family was okay, he fixed things around the house, got his mother a job, chose to go to a college near home, and frequently visited his home to monitor his mother. Remember, this a child we are talking about. Randall did all of this and his mother and siblings allowed it to happen. They, of course, were all grieving and managing in their own ways. However, Rebecca (the ADULT in the situation) saw what was happening and did not stop it. Not only did she not stop, but she also praised it and it continues to happen even at Randall’s adult age of 39-years-old. So, my friends, this is what we call a parentified child.
Parentified children have to be the parent because, for whatever reason (death, grief, substances, mental health, you name it), their parent is unavailable to be the parent. It results in the child growing up too fast and taking on roles that are inappropriate for their social context. In North American societies, we typically expect children to not assume as much emotional, financial, and physical responsibility for their families. When they do, this is atypical and may cause unwarranted stress to the child’s life. Some people have even gone as far as labeling this phenomenon as emotional abuse. Some adults who were parentified children experience a grieving process of the childhood they were not able to have.
Randall was unable to be a free, fun, spontaneous, worry-free child. There are some moments of laughter and fun that we do see in prior episodes so it is not black and white, but just keep reading. There was a moment in the episode A Hell of A Week Part 1 that really brought this home for me. Young Randall can not sleep because he is afraid of what may come in the night on his first night in his big boy bed in his big boy room all alone. Jack, as usual, does all of the right things and helps Randall go to bed. However, it does not work and in his honest and non-malicious frustration, he says something to Randall that I think really stuck with him and helped solidify part of his personality. Jack tells Randall that he has to be the “easy kid” because his siblings are a bit much. Jack asks Randall to agree to be strong for his family and THIS is the catalyst of the beginning of the end. Randall internalizes this message and goes through life being the “strong” and “easy” one who fixes everything and never “burdens” anyone else with his problems. He also does not deal with his problems.
Randall continues to take care of his mother. He went on a well-meaning and positively life-changing quest to find and take in his birth father. However, he ended up being a caretaker for him as well after he fell ill and eventually died from cancer. Randall also decided to get into foster care and adoption to continue to caretake for others. When that was not enough for him, he decided to become a city councilman to care for an entire city! Each of these actions is socially acceptable, good, applauded. It is so wonderful he cares for his family, he cared for his father, he brought in Deja, he wants to help a city grow and change. But no one (besides his wife Beth) notices these behaviors are killing Randall slowly. Channeling anxiety into productivity can be a good coping strategy, except when it is at the cost of your wellbeing.
At the time of writing this post, I had not watched this week’s episode, Clouds, yet. However, I am excited to see how it goes when Randall finally enters therapy. I am sure it will be bumpy and he will have to address some harsh realities that I am sure he is not ready to deal with, but hopefully, he has a good therapist who can help him get there.
It is important to remember this is a TV show, so there are generalizations and assumptions put onto these characters because they are not full people. Also, although there were some psychological patterns and themes that were discussed here, they obviously do not apply to ALL people who may be black, adopted, and have anxiety (any combination or neither). There will inevitably be someone who says:
“I am a Black man who was left a fire station and adopted by a White family and I have anxiety and my father died in a fire and I’M FINE. I DISAGREE”
To which I say, “that’s fine.”
Everyone is different, everyone reacts and responds to situations differently. This is a TV show.
I will definitely be back at some point to discuss Randall’s therapy session. Thanks for reading. Share this post and discuss your thoughts. Do you agree? Disagree? What are your reasons? I would love to hear them and any other theories.
Take Care.