Nothing, but the end…
It is Christmas Day, and my family is in town here in New Orleans. Wanting to honor family traditions, I agree to go see Star Wars. Here’s the important part, I have NEVER seen any Star Wars movie before, like ever. Now, being a social creature living through the 90s and the 2000s, I do know some things about the Star Wars. I know there’s incest with Luke and Leia, I know one of those Skywalker people turns evil. I know the “I am your father!” thing, and I know someone gets their hand cut off. I also know that apparently there are new Star Wars movies, but they are not next in chronological order.
Okay, so here we go. Spoilers, duh.
1. Oh my goodness, I actually have to read all of this? I thought that was just the first movie.
2. What the heck is happening here? There’s a black guy and an Australian? And they’re in space trying to fight something? Someone?
3. Carrie Fisher died, right? How is she in this movie? Who is Rey?
4. Why do people care about Rey’s last name? Obviously, it’s Skywalker cause duh...movie.
5. Okay, I know about this Kylo Ren person from watching SNL. He’s awful at movie fighting, should take more acting classes.
6. All of this throwing your hand up and in air and screaming because you have powers is silly, and I’m sorry for laughing.
7. The big metal guy is supposed to provide comic relief, but I don’t find him funny.
8. Who is this old man hanging from wires?? Kylo is going have to kill him, right?
9. Why won’t he kill Rey? Why does he want her to go to the dark side?? Ugh. This is blatantly obvious. She has to go on some mission and she’s going to try to go solo everywhere, but her friends are like “nooo we go together.” She finds a way to go somewhere on her own, she effs it up and questions her goodness, then she has some self-discovery moment and saves the day.
10. Why do they need oxygen at some points and then not other points?
11. Where do they get their clothes from? Who does their hair? Why does Rey have the same exact hairstyle and outfit on as when she was a child??? I don’t understand.
12. Wait? The white robot soldiers are people??
13. What happens to the spaceships when they get shot down? How are they not falling and crushing people? This movie really picks and chooses when they want to follow the laws of science.
14. What is this thing where Kylo and Rey can get in each other’s minds and then fight? I’m sure that has to look very strange to any observer.
15. K. it was quite obvious he was going to die. I guess this was important to fans, but I feel no remorse for this Kylo man.
16. A lot of the tropes for this movie seem very similar to Game of Thrones. I guess maybe Game of Thrones is similar to Star Wars? I don’t know which came first. OH, you know what else. Avengers. The ending of this movie is EXACTLY like the end of Endgame. I hope Couch Tomato does a video about this on YouTube.
17. The ending goodbye where it pans to everyone and they all talk about what they are doing next I am guessing is important only to fans. To me, it unnecessarily lengthened the movie. Also, are they teasing some spin-off with the two black characters? Not here for it.
18. Tis all. Movie over. Overall, I did not really care for the film. I was completely distracted by how eerily similar Ray and Cole Sprouse look. The only part of the movie that I felt was good was when the metal guy had to lose his memory. Of course, they gave it right back, but I think if they stuck with it, then that would be more powerful.
19. Will I go back and watch the other movies? No. This is a fan base that I do not think I will ever understand. And I’m okay with that.