Grad School Chronicles

Last night I had a crisis.

I am approaching my last days in Denver and frantically trying to cram as much as I can in my calendar and my to-do list before I go. One of the items on my to-do list, is my Doctoral Paper. I still do not have the numbers I was hoping for in my research study. I have done almost everything I can (and am allowed) to get people to participate in something that I feel is important and will improve the quality of graduate school for future students of color. While laying in my bed I began to wonder about what I have been doing wrong and what I could do differently. Then it dawned on me that it is quite possible and very likely, that people just do not care.

I became angry and annoyed first at the people who I felt should care more and want to be involved. Then I became angry at myself. I started to wonder if everything I have been doing useless and will not matter anyway.

Did I just waste years of my life doing work that does not matter?

I wondered if I did grad school wrong. Should I have gone out more? Should I have taken more trips? Turned down more jobs? Would I be happier? Healthier? More fun? If I did not spend my graduate career working so much? We spend so much time just "getting through" that we don't stop to appreciate and reflect on the work that we are doing, which can lead to resentment.

As someone who does not come from any racial or financial privilege, I felt it was irresponsible to be in graduate school and not put in work and leave a mark. I felt (and sometimes still feel) it is irresponsible to use student loan money to travel across and out of the country. [These are my feelings, not an objective truth.] The amount of guilt I would feel doing those things comes from the responsibility I feel I have to my community. This is obviously no reason to judge others who choose to do differently, you have to do what works for you. There are not many Black Women who get the chances and opportunities that I have received and to not capitalize on that would be a waste.

Even if everything I am doing only makes a fraction of a difference, it's better than nothing and I am happy with that and I have to remind myself of that.